QUENTIN CRISP: MUGABE: DYSON

The Late Great Bill Hicks- an idol of mine. Web Image.

'Today started off peculiar and has turned somewhat queer- it may be the way the wind blows or just this weird time of year.' CM

'Finished my early morning long-hand creative writing session.
Gonna jump in the shower.
Attend to plants. 
Get back to the lap-top this afternoon and crack on with scripts. Wooden barn bits are being creosoted on the estate here- they say if that smell invades your brain without just cause it is an early warning sign of a brain tumour.
Humour me for a moment- I do not have a brain tumour; James i

s here, paint-brush in hand. He is real.
There has been a delivery of a scaffold tower. Why do all men who have anything to do with scaffolding look as if they box in their spare time. Very gentlemanly BUT hard as nails.
Do try and watch the Italian movie 'LOOSE CANNONS'- utter bliss. A rom-com with a very unusual twist.
My longest standing female friend, indeed any friend, was here yesterday. We spoke at some length about women's bits. As you do- old chums gossiping over tea and my man's totally underwhelming fat free sugar free blueberry buns.
In advance of his ever nearing TV appearances he is getting increasingly fit and looking after himself. So totally gorgeous. And lucky lucky me.
On that happy note I am off to douche my bits. LOL.' CM

'Diet day twelve. I am of course eating myself in a form of auto-cannibalism. Wish I could taste myself- duh! But the fact is I am too fat to reach. LOL.' CM

'Diet day thirteen AND its a SUNDAY only a funday if you're a JEW. Glum-day this way comes tomorrow. BUT ENOUGH OF SORROW- I am at the butt end of the first draft film-script in collaboration with my magnificent collaborator Mike Knowles- the weirdo who loves to FB befriend other weirdos. I am in fact listening to the latest album by The Script- it is not at all shit. It has been touched by the hand of Will. I. Am. [Wish I had been! LOL!]. Ola. Ha ha. The gay interest in the script is NOT missing but it so ROMANTIC with a twist- NOT twisted romantic. My lips are sealed, all of them. LOL.' CM

'Remarkably I have returned to writing in long-hand in large notebooks before transposing using my laptop. I'm liking it- a retro move for the better methinks.' CM

'I am now addicted to antiques road-trip thanks to MK. Do tell your long suffering wife. Fab.
I can now bitch about a whole variety of places in the country I am very glad I don't live in. Wimslow is such a ghastly jumped up no no.
I quite like artistic bric-a-brac BUT I have an aversion to those who sell pretentious junk in ponced up 'antique' shops- they are all lacking in aesthetic discernment 

and palpably greedy- a combination I love to lampoon.
As for the twerpish 'experts' I am shouting at the TV "NO! don't buy that you total prat."
Gripping very British stuff and such a strong gay undertow. Good old BBC.
Almost as good as The Great British Bake-Off which is sheer masochism for someone on a diet.' CM

'Pluis plus! Glumday Monday in the rain. Got lots of long-hand dialogue to transpose to the lap-top yet again. Off to see the diabetic nurse and she's a Scot. She is more than plump. Typical NHS hypocritical pain. Her saving grace is an endearing ability to laugh at herself. Now there's a lesson for us all. LOL.' CM

'I have so many new images to process BUT am pressing on to the end of my film script. Loving it. Enjoying the best creative collaboration I have ever in my life encountered- my thanks to Mike Knowles. You should FB friend him- but be warned, he prefers REAL characters and total weirdos. That's why I fit so well. LOL.' CM

Writing today. I know no other way other than to do it.' CM

'My personal integrity is not the bag of rags that most peoples seem to be- I am a throwback from a former age when people valued their hard won education, acted their age and kept their promises.

I am looking forward to a retro kick-start to a new civlisation where trust becomes something to be trusted again.

Or just maybe it was always thus- despite the best efforts of all the warring and whor

ing religions mankind has always been composed of largely greed driven self-interested cunts whose caring face is just a tactical mask to solicit personal favour.

Mmm sadly that rings somewhat right. Not a hint of a cracked bell there. Good morning one and all to our appalling fucked up world. LOL. Laugh in the face of the bastards and adversity- that is what I have come to do. It kinda works.' CM

'Gazing at incessant rain. The weathermen have got it right again- smug bastards. How to be gay in the rain- go to the nearest mall and Fosse, Fosse, Twyla Tharp, between shops. My idea of hell I must say. I'm happily in the dry, tucked up at home writing, chewing on the bone of our fucked-up world which I personally find so uninviting.
You could join me. 
BUT have any of you got the means, the freedom or the will, indeed the desire to share my log fire?
Thought not. What an unadventurous lot. LOL.' CM

'Bed time for me all ye FB lads and ladettes- be bad and have no regrets for having fun. I am just one closing scene away from a finished film script and more than happy to sleep on it.' CM

'Yesterday I enjoyed a wonderful life-affirming telephone conversation with my dear friend- the former publisher Dave Mitchell, someone I, without reserve, recommend to you as a FB friend.
This network threw us together which is proof enough for me that, despite its many faults, it ain't half bad.
We live in a new age when relationships of true merit can actually be formed like this- it in no way 

diminishes them.
Sorting the wheat from the chaff is the same problem it always was. Great intuition and advanced detective skills help. LOL.
As ever in our unforgiving society the dimwitted and the susceptible will remain open to abuse- so buyer beware, as best you can.
Dave, I know for a fact, is what he says he is, as I am. So too, are the incredible Mike Knowles, Mark Hampshire and Dr Tony Parsons. There are many more in my FB contacts list. I will leave you to find them. Ha ha.' CM

'It's shower hour. This is usually a solo drama. I like to have everything tickety-boo and ship-shape before the sun sinks over the yard arm and my man returns from his voyage on the ocean of capitalism seeking to take a peek into my treasure chest. Aye aye Seaman Stains. We get ye drift. LOL.' CM

'Up and raring to go absolutely nowhere. LOL. Need a diversion- now which perversion haven't I tried: oh yes, extreme wealth.' CM

'Saturday- shall I go and rouse the money changers from the temple. It would be like our constant battle against house-dust. LOL. Total waste of time.

Did you know that in one year the average woman who wear's tights, creates in them, through frottage [lol] enough dead-skin dust to fill a normal desk size waste-bin. Even more LOL!

We are not much more than glued together dust ourselves. The very

 great Quentin Crisp never used to dust- his theory was that after you have accumulated 2" depth of dust everywhere it somehow does not seem to get worse. As a life-long asthmatic I tend to disagree with the famous Queen.

Shall I wrangle with the quite impossible ball Dyson- oh I can't be arsed. I don't recommend the much Dyson- it is very heavy and rather unwieldy even with its wretched ball 'technology' and if you have have need of the tools, well good luck. Mr Dyson is a very persistent and consummately rich nerd who is clearly absolutely straight- if he but had ONE gay bone in his body or had bothered to chat with his suppressed feminine side his products would be SO much better.

We are talking hoovers! Ridiculous. There was this ad campaign once that said 'Nothing sucks like an Electrolux'. Those writers were in blatant denial of what goes on in Gay Villages all over the world. Excepting Uganda of course- where only the hideous Mr Mugabe is allowed to own a Dyson 'by act of God'.

Africa is a gritty continent composed largely of variously coloured dusts. Some say this is where our ancestors came from. Like I said previously, we are not much more than glued together dust ourselves. Evaporate our piss and we are next to nothing.

In quantum physics- if everyone on this planet were reduced to just their atomic constituents THE WHOLE of the world's population would be compacted to the size of a sugar cube: granted a very heavy sugar cube sized object.

I wonder what the Jewish Temple elders would have to say about that.' CM